Who do you want to be?

When we’re younger, we are often asked ‘what do you want to be when you’re grown up’? Well, I’m technically a ‘grown up’ but I have yet to come up with satisfying answer to this question. It used to be as simple as saying: a fire fighter, a teacher, an astronaut, etc. but it really isn’t..or is it? Our dreams are often complicated, if not completely snuffed out, by logic. There are many things outside of ‘work’ that we enjoy and love yet how often do we really get to do what we love as our job? Would we love it as much? Often our hobbies outside of the work place is a sort of escape from the ‘real world’. A good friend and ex of mine does just that though and he wouldn’t have it any other way. There have been times in this blog that I have said how much I wanted to go out and live out in the bush, leave behind the cubicle life I’ve seemingly carved out for myself. I still believe that the whole cubicle living isn’t my sort of life and as a matter of a fact, will be coming to an end in a couple of months. This is why this question of who I want to be and what I want my life to look like has come out. You can say I’m at a bit of an impasse here. I am tired of being envious of people who do what they love for their work; its not dragging their sorry asses to work every day and working from 9-5, but they’re doing something they believe in so even if they are met with challenges, their passion and love for what they do will carry them over.
This is where I am: the need to financial support myself, the need to really do something to make a positive impact on this world and for others and to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. Without being able to fulfill all three things in my life, I think I would be unhappy to an extent. Sure, you can say they’re just three things, three very vague concepts. However these three concepts have a great deal of depth and because of their vagueness, lack any real answer without some soul searching. Not to mention, as we grow and experience ‘life’, these things change. I am/have considered taking some time off just to frolic off in the woods somewhere, maybe Australia or New Zealand, but I don’t know if that would really provide me with the clarity that I seek and instead, just distract me from what I really need to do and that is to answer what the above three things are to me or perhaps more importantly, how to have all three things work for me at the same time.
At this moment, to live simply would to travel somewhere and climb, work odd jobs that make enough to support my addiction. I mean, I want to live damn it! I feel like that my life has been driven by career and purpose and well fuck, I want a break just to live life for the moment and rebel. As amazing as my abroad adventures have been thus far, its all been career driven. But…would I be really content doing just that? With no drive and purpose to what I was doing? I don’t know..maybe the initial plunge would be exhilarating but I have a terrible need for purpose.  But a huge part of me admires the people who just drop all their shit and hit the road to enjoy the outdoors and well, I want a piece of that pie. However, if I go that route, even for a bit, will that impede the drive towards my ‘purpose’?
Then in contrast, here I am: sitting in a comfy (albeit soon to be a short lived) public sector job that provides financial security (temporarily but for argument’s sake, we’ll just pretend that its a bit more permanent ) in my field and yet, all I feel is my soul leaving my body, leaving nothing but a drying husk of a person behind reading a fucking long report on a high speed rail. I realize that this experience will contribute towards to my ‘purpose’ but there’s no ‘life’ here. I live for the time away from the office; what kind of living is that? I honestly spend an exorbitant amount of time  perusing climbing and outdoor websites..really, that’s where my soul longs to be. There’s nothing more amazing than sitting on a mountain or cliff top and breathing in the fresh air and landscape. Everything makes sense because it’s just you and the living space. I feel like the passion I once exhibited concerning politics and such has completely died since I started here which is kind of ironic since I’m working in a political bureaucracy.

What is it then, to really ‘live’?

To fulfill your God given purpose?

Power in Defeat

We are constantly told that success is when we achieve the goals we have set out, to never back down against adversity..but is this only approach we can take? This mindset, though my own, has led me on a continual path of masochism and ultimately, a great deal of disappointment. I have tried again and again to make this work, some sort of relationship whether it be friendship or otherwise. Yet, I am constantly coming back and trying to make it better. I just want to make peace with it..which means I want straightforward and honest answers. However, I can’t make that happen because that information has to be from that other person. This other person keeps drawing away from me, keeps taunting me. Is it about esteem? Dignity? Ego? Maybe it’s time to admit defeat and move on without those answers I want. I don’t need them to function, to live. It’s a want, not a need. For me, letting go of something that remains unresolved is much more difficult than driving towards a goal even though that drive will be met with numerous obstacles and challenges. Maybe it’s time to stop chasing..and be the one worth chasing.

BFP

I have decided to take a BFP or ‘Boy Free Period’. Shock? Maybeeee. I can’t honestly remember the last time I wasn’t emotionally involved/invested in some guy and well, that’s a problem for me. With all the time I spent trying to figure out my relationship/potential for a ‘relationship’ with Guy X, I haven’t really looked at Me and the different aspects of Me, including the not so awesome attributes that needed working on. We often use different things in life to distract ourselves away the things that require a greater amount of thought and energy to investigate and potentially rectify. For me, these ‘things’ also represent the darker side of myself that I don’t like to face but I don’t, how can I grow and be ‘right’ with myself and God? So this past Sunday, I closed all the loose ends with the nonplatonic men in my life. Oddly enough, the last of this group was facing ‘issues’ and had to deal with him and himself; of course I was a bit hurt but to be honest, I understood where he was coming from. Kudos to him for standing up and saying that instead of trying to figure something out with someone AND figure out the issues in his life. If I am honest with myself, I have traveled, climbed and dated so I didn’t have to face the cracks in my person; however, I can see how those cracks are just getting bigger and sometimes overwhelming the better parts of who I am. Part of the reason why I’ve shied away from my cell family is because I know that they would candidly tell me what I didn’t want to but needed to hear. I went last night and it was honestly fantastic. I do feel like I’ve changed a lot and perhaps, have even (finally) grown out of that particular cell. But it doesn’t change the fact of how important your community is; my community consists of a few people that are all geographically in different places which makes it a bit difficult but they’re still my ‘home’.

With the support of my home and God, I hope to take the following time to tackle those hard questions I’ve been avoiding. What are my passions? What do I want to achieve? Where does God really want me to go and want me to do? Who do I want to journey with? Etc.

Wish me luck!

Pushing Towards the Edge

For those who know me, I’ve always pushed myself to see how far I could go before tipping over the (metaphorical) edge. Some may call this ambition, some may call it reckless; to be honest, it’s a bit of both. At the moment, this attitude manifests itself most readily in my rock climbing. It is one of those things I love about the sport; that you can push yourself both mentally and physically towards that next hold on that damned project route or hopping onto a route a grade above your usual level with no expectations but to see how far you can get. That thirst, that high of tip toeing that line, pushing the line is addictive. However, if this attitude remains unchecked, tumbling off that edge is only half a toe away and the consequences of falling can be pretty bad. Most recently, it seems that I’ve taken that extra half a toe and fallen off that cliff. Part of it comes with my competitive nature with others but most of it comes from the need to prove something to myself, that perhaps I am just as good, as worthy as the next person. A few weeks ago, at the end of my BC climbing trip, we decided to spend a day climbing at Lake Louise. I had just started lead climbing (for those who don’t climb, it’s when you bring draws with you, clip at existing bolts along the route and bring the rope up to that point) and had actually just failed the lead test at my climbing gym in Edmonton. However, I had done a couple routes outside and they had gone decently well; I was terrified every time but always managed to push pass that fear. It was an interesting mindset to be in..to be absolutely afraid but zened out at the same time, to have that determination break through but oddly enough, not disturb that ‘zen haze’. Anyways, I digress. I had just sent a 5.10a at Skaha on top rope without any falls and takes, cleanly led a gnarly 5.9 that my other mates bailed on…I was feeling pretty driven to keep pushing the grade. I hopped onto a 5.10a for lead; already the beginning was daunting with 10-15 feet of rock face between the first bolt and ground. As I began climbing, I was absolutely terrified; my belay partner told me that I didn’t have to do it if I didn’t want to..but I had to..something just drove me forward. It went relatively well until I got to the crux part of the route; I was about a meter from my last draw and didn’t know where to go …so after hanging out for a while at that spot, I said, fuck it and went for it blindly. I missed the hold and took the fall, but for some reason, I swung out and ended up smacking my head and couple other body parts against the rock. Yet, when I hung from the rope, dazed, I still considered continuing..even though I was worried about my head. It wasn’t my head that stopped me from continuing though, it was the fact that I couldn’t put any weight on my left foot. Later, my climbing mate said that I possessed immense courage and ambition but lacked the experience to mitigate the risks. He’s right. Pushing forward and driving those boundaries has led me to experience amazing things. But at those moments when I fall over the edge, I’ve had to accept the responsibility and subsequently, the consequences that accompanied my actions. Taking an injury while climbing is one consequence that is relatively obvious. However, this ‘edge’ attitude manifests itself in all aspects of my life, including my personal life. For those who know me, I’m flirtatious individual. I like to push to see if I can get a reaction from the opposing side sometimes. Rarely is it anymore than sheer fun for both the other person and I but …there have been those moments where I’ve been called out on it, questioned as to I was seriously about following through with my lofty, suggestive comments. Sometimes, I want to see how far I can hold off on certain things. But this fall, is the worst. I hate failure. For me, I always want to believe that there’s a solution to the problem(s) at hand and that with enough work and effort, the solution can be found and implemented. But I’m learning that some things aren’t meant to be fixed or perhaps, meant to be. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I hate backing down. In my last relationship, I worked so hard to try and make it work..but it wasn’t working. The foundation wasn’t there for us to build on even though we genuinely loved each other. With my climbing mate, our friendship has hit weird spots, some lows and some highs; it’s been a roller coaster.  As much as I want us to be friends, even at arm’s length, it doesn’t seem possible for him to invest in it. Yet I continued to hang around, wondering whether or not I could break past that shell of his. However, I have to question my motives: whether or not I truly care for the friendship or because I hate failing. When it comes to relationships, I have a hard time discerning between the two.
Is it really failure that matters? You and I have both heard that no, it isn’t. It’s whether or not you can pick your shit up, learn from said failure and move on.

Friends

Dearest Friend,

It’s been many years since you and I first met. We’ve all gone our separate ways, spanning across the globe from Dublin to Hong Kong to Australia and elsewhere. However, despite our geographical distance, I wanted to say thank you for everything you’ve been and everything you will be in the future. I know that this blog is often used as an outlet of my frustrations which have also included expressions of loneliness and separation. What I just realized though is that I’ve never thanked my friends for sticking with me through thick and thin, through physical separation that surpass a number of years, through at times, radio silence on my part. You listened to me when I felt directionless, when I couldn’t face myself. Without your support, I could not have done what I’ve done thus far and aspire to do in the future. I may have traveled relatively more than many my age, gained valuable experiences but it is you, my friend, that I count as my greatest achievement. God has so thankfully blessed me with your friendship and I am eternally grateful.

B

Drawing the Ire of Drivers

I was waiting for my coworker to come pick something up from me during the transportation conference we were attending when I overheard a conversation that drew my ire (yes, I know the title refers to the ire of drivers..but we’ll get to that). It was a bit ironic considering the fact that I was a) at a transportation conference (transportation includes all modes including that of biking) and b) I had just come from a seminar centered around active transportation with one of the presentations on the bike lanes in Ottawa. The woman in the conversation was complaining about cyclists and their disrespect for the rules of the road and drew upon the example of bikers going the other direction on a one way street near the university. Well, for one, the majority of one way streets around the university have bike lanes that go against the direction indicated for the one way (thus legally sanctioned). Funny thing was I had my bike helmet strapped to backpack and I knew that she and her conversation partner had seen it. Cyclists that do not obey the rules of the road, including those who bike on sidewalks when there are perfectly good smaller streets by that big street they’re biking beside, piss me off too; but often times, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cyclists are lumped together. You don’t see people lumping drivers together now do you? Being on a bike doesn’t give us certain privileges per se, but it should give us certain considerations to keep everyone safe. After all, if a car and biker were to crash, obviously the biker would fare much more worse than the driver of the car. As I was biking to the conference centre this morning, I had just been cut off by a truck and nearly flipped off my bike when I had hit a couple deep potholes…so all that was fresh on my mind when I heard this woman. Furthermore, just last week I had read an article about how bike lanes aren’t the safest places for bikes which is completely true. You try riding on a pothole ridden, gravel/debris covered lane..it sucks! So drivers, please kindly remember that bikers aren’t out on their bikes to piss you off but for many other reasons and that we are much more vulnerable on the road than you are. Thanks

That Girl

All my life, I think I’ve always strove to be different than ‘that girl’. There are even times that I over compensate and tap into my ‘manly self’ a bit too much (yes, I grudgingly admit it). Yet here I am, sitting in my cubicle, baffled by the current situation I find myself in. It’s blown out of proportion, it has my head spinning and spilling to friends for advice and insight into the male brain. As arrogant as this may sound, it’s very rare that I find myself confused in these situations or perhaps even more arrogantly…to be rejected at any degree. I come off as an independent and confident person and for the most part I am. I am more comfortable and confident when I am pushing hard at whatever activity I happen to be engaged in (eg. climbing) than rocking out a form-fitting sheath dress (if anything, I get simultaneously confident and self-conscious of my butt hanging out). Despite my inclination to be wearing dri-fit shirts and climbing pants, to hang out with the boys and often enough, sneer at the ‘girly habits’ of my peers (eg. make up), I find myself in the exact same emotional place my friends, girly or not, find themselves in. I am not saying that women are more inclined to over analyzing things though it may appear to be the case; I think women are generally more open to others in the exploration of the emotional side of themselves. I can understand how those who usually do not engage in this sort of energy sapping mind play draw away from it. I would like to think that I usually do the same and pull away; I often try to be driven by logic rather than emotion because I understand it much better and it is easier to handle something that’s more concrete and not so dependent on the whims of others. I have had thoughts of being bold and asking where I stood and if it wasn’t anything more than friends, that would be fine. It may sting but I would just compartmentalize and then move on. What’s next? It’s like business. Yet as tempting as this course of action, I’ve held off. Perhaps it’s time I revel in why I feel insecure about myself. I don’t do it enough because these insecurities are often shoved aside for productivity; however, despite how amicable the break up between J and I was, it has brought to surface my insecurities. It seems like in every other facet of my life, I have little problem ‘giving it up to God’. Yes, I was desperate and worried that I would remain a jobless hobo after coming back from Europe, but under all that, I knew God had something worked out for me; all I had to do was keep driving and making sure I seized the opportunities that arose (after all, I can’t be offered a job without applying for it ). Unfortunately for me, this sort of logic doesn’t apply to relationships and the like. I know why our relationship ended and I’m not really hung up about it, but what has come out of it is insecurity and I loathe it. I wonder what makes it worth it for someone to love someone else unconditionally and decide to build a life around that relationship. Even though women (and probably men, though it would probably kill them to admit it ) remain completely baffled by the different areas of relationships, there has to be something that clicks or else the human race would’ve ceased to exist after the first generation. What baffles us I think is that because people are so different, especially in the way they approach things emotionally, that ‘something’ is different and cannot be necessarily applied to all situations. There is no one-fits-all formula. Well, that makes it hard for those of us who like formulas and things to make sense no?

Continuing the Search for Contentment

There have only been two points in my life when I experience pure and utter contentment. The first was during my baptism, right at the moment when I was dunked in the water and the second was when I had a ‘forehead to forehead’ moment with W. They’re both significant points in my life as the first was real indication of rebirth or change for my life (from poopy emo to the person you know now) and latter showed me what I was really looking for in a person, though not so much on the attributes of the person I wanted (even though W is an awesome person) but the feeling I wanted to capture with that ‘other’ person. I dare say I’ve failed (thus far) in the latter; in the past 10 months, I really tried to make that moment happen between J and I…perhaps I tried too hard. I guess I had a lot to prove to myself, that I would be capable of keeping a relationship longer than a mere month (or even less). But no matter how hard I tried, how much I gave up on certain, fundamental things of myself, that moment didn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, we had moments were I knew I was happy but utter contentment? No, I’m sorry to say it didn’t exist. I don’t regret our relationship; I’ve certainly learnt a lot about myself and what I would want in my other.

What will make me content then? If the two moments are indicative of anything, it’s finding peace with who I am (through God) and finding that right other. The journey toward who I am is going to remain as a journey for the rest of my life, but I like to think I’ve figured out the central things that make me spin and after being in a relationship with someone whose fundamentals differ from my own, I know that I need someone who matches me on these things but is willing to find a middle road on the things that make us different and unique. I know as a Christian, I should say that my other should be someone that is a man of God too, but that’s not enough I guess. Rather, I want someone that is genuinely interested on making a difference in the lives of others for the pure sake of just helping others whether he be Christian or not, that he does it not because it is a mandate in his religion or obligation, but because something deep inside pulls him towards bettering the lives of his fellow man. Maybe this sounds idealistic, but I would like to think such people exist. It may also sound simplistic simply because we all for one, have some sort of feeling of altruism and we all would like to think that we’re that kind of person. We’re not. I’m not passing judgement on anyone and I’m not even saying that I am, but I would like to think I’m building myself towards achieving that. I would like someone to be able to push me towards this goal and acting on it. To keep me open minded and humble, to keep learning. I know this blog entry is pretty dry and maybe not as introspective as some of my other ones, but I still respect J and also don’t feel like exposing all that went down with our relationship since this blog post stems from that.

After this last chapter, will I settle for anything less than contentment? Will you?

Monkey Business

Goal: an at least one month long climbing/camping trip

I’ve been having the hardest time writing this blog entry; I’ve  tried starting it a couple times already but it always comes out inadequate or somehow stiff which is kind of funny considering the fact that I usually have no problem ranting and raving about the awesomeness of climbing to my friends and family or complete strangers on the bus. Some give me strange looks, especially since I remain so enthusiastic about the sport even with a gimped ankle. Maybe it’s because it’s something that’s so dear to me that I worry whatever words I do use, they won’t be able to convey the awesomeness of this sport.

I was reading an article in the Globe and Mail a couple days ago about how running was a lifestyle and that got me thinking, rock climbing is too. For those who are not sponsored, how do you make that decision to drop everything and head up to the mountains and live to climb? I suppose this goes for all outdoor and backpacking enthusiasts. As a Chinese-Canadian, the plan for me was to go to university, get a job that provided financial stability and keep it. With my relatively plush government job, I suppose you could say that I’ve met this goal..but is this grey cubicle really the definition of success? Don’t get me wrong; the time between my EU internships and the offer for this position was terrifying and when I got this job, I was relieved. I couldn’t believe how blessed I was, especially when I saw my equally if not more talented friends remain unemployed or under employed, not due to the lack of trying to find a position in their fields but more so from the difficult job market. However, as I stare at the walls of my cubicle, I can only think of the glorious outdoors that await me. Here comes the question of work and ‘life’ balance. A very big part of me wishes I could drop everything and just head out, hitch hiking and backpacking my way through mountains, countryside and occasional city. Perhaps this is a backlash from all the things I’ve done in the past couple of years; none of it has really been for pleasure but for career growth and opportunity. I don’t regret any of them, in fact I cherish all the experiences that have made me who I am now and undoubtedly played a big role in why I’m working. I’ve always felt charged to do something that will evoke a positive change in whatever niche God wants me to work in and have always looked for opportunities to ready myself for whenever that time may come. Yet now, I want to take time to enjoy my life too, to go out and explore and enjoy just for the sake of enjoying something.

So, why rock climbing? Sure it gives you man hands and big muscles to some (I am not one of them), but really, what’s the appeal? For one, it’s beautiful to watch a good climber go at it. Actually, it’s down right sexy. The intricacies of shifting your body, placing your feet and/or hands on that sweet spot, methologically movement is like watching ballet on a wall. In fact, climbing shoes in Spanish means ‘cat feet’; very appropriate. Another thing is the community; wherever I have gone, I’ve always found great friends in climbers. They’re a friendly bunch and welcome new people into the fold easily despite language barriers or cultural differences. The climbing halls with these fantastic people have always given me a home away from home. Climbing is also a great way to travel. I haven’t done this yet but I really hope I get a chance to. I’m already part of the Couch Surfing community and there happens to be a ton of climbers on there as well (not really surprised to be honest). How awesome is that? Come November, I’m planning to head over to Europe to visit J and friends and we are planning to travel through France on a mini climbing trip. The plan is to go through Fontainebleau (premier bouldering spot for you nonclimbers out there ), check out the countryside, head down to check out Marseilles and spend the remainder of our time near Avignon, where J’s sister has settled. There, we undoubtedly go on a number of climbing expeditions where I will be the super newb and play with the fluffy puppy whilst nursing my injuries. And last but not least, you’re always surrounded by nature if you go climbing outdoors. Even though I’ve only gone once, I can’t wait to go again. It’s a completely different experience than climbing indoors and might I say, much better. Not only are you not inhaling chalk particles and stinky BO from your fellow climbers’ feet (although it is generally understood and ignored since we all have stinky feet) but drinking in clean air, the rock is real. I know, I know; obvious right? But it’s an interesting experience of poking around to find that good hold that I would like to do over (and over) again.

Even as I remain gimped for the next month and a half, all I can think about is getting out there to enjoy the great weather and outdoors. Although I will be limited to short trips for the time being, my at least month long climbing trip is never far from my mind. Everything that I’ve been looking at the purchase for my outdoor excursions has this trip (and hopefully many others) in mind. I don’t think I’ve done the best job to explain why I want to do this trip or why it’s a great idea, so I encourage you to try climbing whether it be indoors/outdoors and then go for a trip to the mountains, put the two together in your mind. Voila! Magic

Bucketme

Perhaps it’s that age when I realize that there are still many things I want to do and accomplish. Perhaps it is driven by the fact that I’ve been spending the past week getting excited for a yet-to-be-determined camping and/or climbing trip from my office chair in my cubicle. Regardless of the reasons, I figured that creating some sort of bucket list was in order. Sure I could’ve kept this private and initially I was, but I think that my goals are a good indication of who I am now, who I aspire to become or at least particular steps towards whatever ‘be’ is and perhaps, give you to reason to pause and think about what you want to accomplish in your life. I noticed that the initial 7 things I’ve listed are more or less unrelated to any sort of career aspirations; it’s not that I don’t have any, but the past few years of my life had been devoted to just that. I think that this list represents my current mini tug-a-war on the particular lifestyle I want to live.

I hope to keep adding to this list and crossing out things as they go. Small explanations of why I want to accomplish X goal will be interspersed between my usual philosophical rantings (or just rantings). This will be an interesting learning experience no?

• adopt a child
• own a Leonberger and/or a Westie
• take advantage of the working holiday/youth mobility agreements that Canada has with 19 countries (considering New Zealand/Germany)

Update (July 8/2011): So I’ve decide to add a subcategory to my bucket list because there seems to be a lot of ‘outdoor adventure’ related things I want to accomplish and I think it would be worth distinguishing them from the rest of my aspirations. I think most of these aren’t as ‘lofty’ as my other goals…maybe lofty isn’t the best word.

• live in a treehouse (Costa Rica)
• go at least once for at least an one month climbing/camping trip
• return to Granada, Spain and climb that waterfall
• learn how to snowboard
• sky dive
• volunteer with Comunidad Inti Wara Yassi for a month (at least); check out the volunteer website and the Outside Magazine article on it (awesomeeeee! just don’t tell my family )
• hike up to Lake O’Hara and then to Abbot’s Pass/Hut
• bike the (paved) trail between Banff and Canmore
• go on a (short) backpacking trip before the 2011 season is over