Drawing the Ire of Drivers

I was waiting for my coworker to come pick something up from me during the transportation conference we were attending when I overheard a conversation that drew my ire (yes, I know the title refers to the ire of drivers..but we’ll get to that). It was a bit ironic considering the fact that I was a) at a transportation conference (transportation includes all modes including that of biking) and b) I had just come from a seminar centered around active transportation with one of the presentations on the bike lanes in Ottawa. The woman in the conversation was complaining about cyclists and their disrespect for the rules of the road and drew upon the example of bikers going the other direction on a one way street near the university. Well, for one, the majority of one way streets around the university have bike lanes that go against the direction indicated for the one way (thus legally sanctioned). Funny thing was I had my bike helmet strapped to backpack and I knew that she and her conversation partner had seen it. Cyclists that do not obey the rules of the road, including those who bike on sidewalks when there are perfectly good smaller streets by that big street they’re biking beside, piss me off too; but often times, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cyclists are lumped together. You don’t see people lumping drivers together now do you? Being on a bike doesn’t give us certain privileges per se, but it should give us certain considerations to keep everyone safe. After all, if a car and biker were to crash, obviously the biker would fare much more worse than the driver of the car. As I was biking to the conference centre this morning, I had just been cut off by a truck and nearly flipped off my bike when I had hit a couple deep potholes…so all that was fresh on my mind when I heard this woman. Furthermore, just last week I had read an article about how bike lanes aren’t the safest places for bikes which is completely true. You try riding on a pothole ridden, gravel/debris covered lane..it sucks! So drivers, please kindly remember that bikers aren’t out on their bikes to piss you off but for many other reasons and that we are much more vulnerable on the road than you are. Thanks

That Girl

All my life, I think I’ve always strove to be different than ‘that girl’. There are even times that I over compensate and tap into my ‘manly self’ a bit too much (yes, I grudgingly admit it). Yet here I am, sitting in my cubicle, baffled by the current situation I find myself in. It’s blown out of proportion, it has my head spinning and spilling to friends for advice and insight into the male brain. As arrogant as this may sound, it’s very rare that I find myself confused in these situations or perhaps even more arrogantly…to be rejected at any degree. I come off as an independent and confident person and for the most part I am. I am more comfortable and confident when I am pushing hard at whatever activity I happen to be engaged in (eg. climbing) than rocking out a form-fitting sheath dress (if anything, I get simultaneously confident and self-conscious of my butt hanging out). Despite my inclination to be wearing dri-fit shirts and climbing pants, to hang out with the boys and often enough, sneer at the ‘girly habits’ of my peers (eg. make up), I find myself in the exact same emotional place my friends, girly or not, find themselves in. I am not saying that women are more inclined to over analyzing things though it may appear to be the case; I think women are generally more open to others in the exploration of the emotional side of themselves. I can understand how those who usually do not engage in this sort of energy sapping mind play draw away from it. I would like to think that I usually do the same and pull away; I often try to be driven by logic rather than emotion because I understand it much better and it is easier to handle something that’s more concrete and not so dependent on the whims of others. I have had thoughts of being bold and asking where I stood and if it wasn’t anything more than friends, that would be fine. It may sting but I would just compartmentalize and then move on. What’s next? It’s like business. Yet as tempting as this course of action, I’ve held off. Perhaps it’s time I revel in why I feel insecure about myself. I don’t do it enough because these insecurities are often shoved aside for productivity; however, despite how amicable the break up between J and I was, it has brought to surface my insecurities. It seems like in every other facet of my life, I have little problem ‘giving it up to God’. Yes, I was desperate and worried that I would remain a jobless hobo after coming back from Europe, but under all that, I knew God had something worked out for me; all I had to do was keep driving and making sure I seized the opportunities that arose (after all, I can’t be offered a job without applying for it ). Unfortunately for me, this sort of logic doesn’t apply to relationships and the like. I know why our relationship ended and I’m not really hung up about it, but what has come out of it is insecurity and I loathe it. I wonder what makes it worth it for someone to love someone else unconditionally and decide to build a life around that relationship. Even though women (and probably men, though it would probably kill them to admit it ) remain completely baffled by the different areas of relationships, there has to be something that clicks or else the human race would’ve ceased to exist after the first generation. What baffles us I think is that because people are so different, especially in the way they approach things emotionally, that ‘something’ is different and cannot be necessarily applied to all situations. There is no one-fits-all formula. Well, that makes it hard for those of us who like formulas and things to make sense no?

Continuing the Search for Contentment

There have only been two points in my life when I experience pure and utter contentment. The first was during my baptism, right at the moment when I was dunked in the water and the second was when I had a ‘forehead to forehead’ moment with W. They’re both significant points in my life as the first was real indication of rebirth or change for my life (from poopy emo to the person you know now) and latter showed me what I was really looking for in a person, though not so much on the attributes of the person I wanted (even though W is an awesome person) but the feeling I wanted to capture with that ‘other’ person. I dare say I’ve failed (thus far) in the latter; in the past 10 months, I really tried to make that moment happen between J and I…perhaps I tried too hard. I guess I had a lot to prove to myself, that I would be capable of keeping a relationship longer than a mere month (or even less). But no matter how hard I tried, how much I gave up on certain, fundamental things of myself, that moment didn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, we had moments were I knew I was happy but utter contentment? No, I’m sorry to say it didn’t exist. I don’t regret our relationship; I’ve certainly learnt a lot about myself and what I would want in my other.

What will make me content then? If the two moments are indicative of anything, it’s finding peace with who I am (through God) and finding that right other. The journey toward who I am is going to remain as a journey for the rest of my life, but I like to think I’ve figured out the central things that make me spin and after being in a relationship with someone whose fundamentals differ from my own, I know that I need someone who matches me on these things but is willing to find a middle road on the things that make us different and unique. I know as a Christian, I should say that my other should be someone that is a man of God too, but that’s not enough I guess. Rather, I want someone that is genuinely interested on making a difference in the lives of others for the pure sake of just helping others whether he be Christian or not, that he does it not because it is a mandate in his religion or obligation, but because something deep inside pulls him towards bettering the lives of his fellow man. Maybe this sounds idealistic, but I would like to think such people exist. It may also sound simplistic simply because we all for one, have some sort of feeling of altruism and we all would like to think that we’re that kind of person. We’re not. I’m not passing judgement on anyone and I’m not even saying that I am, but I would like to think I’m building myself towards achieving that. I would like someone to be able to push me towards this goal and acting on it. To keep me open minded and humble, to keep learning. I know this blog entry is pretty dry and maybe not as introspective as some of my other ones, but I still respect J and also don’t feel like exposing all that went down with our relationship since this blog post stems from that.

After this last chapter, will I settle for anything less than contentment? Will you?

Monkey Business

Goal: an at least one month long climbing/camping trip

I’ve been having the hardest time writing this blog entry; I’ve  tried starting it a couple times already but it always comes out inadequate or somehow stiff which is kind of funny considering the fact that I usually have no problem ranting and raving about the awesomeness of climbing to my friends and family or complete strangers on the bus. Some give me strange looks, especially since I remain so enthusiastic about the sport even with a gimped ankle. Maybe it’s because it’s something that’s so dear to me that I worry whatever words I do use, they won’t be able to convey the awesomeness of this sport.

I was reading an article in the Globe and Mail a couple days ago about how running was a lifestyle and that got me thinking, rock climbing is too. For those who are not sponsored, how do you make that decision to drop everything and head up to the mountains and live to climb? I suppose this goes for all outdoor and backpacking enthusiasts. As a Chinese-Canadian, the plan for me was to go to university, get a job that provided financial stability and keep it. With my relatively plush government job, I suppose you could say that I’ve met this goal..but is this grey cubicle really the definition of success? Don’t get me wrong; the time between my EU internships and the offer for this position was terrifying and when I got this job, I was relieved. I couldn’t believe how blessed I was, especially when I saw my equally if not more talented friends remain unemployed or under employed, not due to the lack of trying to find a position in their fields but more so from the difficult job market. However, as I stare at the walls of my cubicle, I can only think of the glorious outdoors that await me. Here comes the question of work and ‘life’ balance. A very big part of me wishes I could drop everything and just head out, hitch hiking and backpacking my way through mountains, countryside and occasional city. Perhaps this is a backlash from all the things I’ve done in the past couple of years; none of it has really been for pleasure but for career growth and opportunity. I don’t regret any of them, in fact I cherish all the experiences that have made me who I am now and undoubtedly played a big role in why I’m working. I’ve always felt charged to do something that will evoke a positive change in whatever niche God wants me to work in and have always looked for opportunities to ready myself for whenever that time may come. Yet now, I want to take time to enjoy my life too, to go out and explore and enjoy just for the sake of enjoying something.

So, why rock climbing? Sure it gives you man hands and big muscles to some (I am not one of them), but really, what’s the appeal? For one, it’s beautiful to watch a good climber go at it. Actually, it’s down right sexy. The intricacies of shifting your body, placing your feet and/or hands on that sweet spot, methologically movement is like watching ballet on a wall. In fact, climbing shoes in Spanish means ‘cat feet’; very appropriate. Another thing is the community; wherever I have gone, I’ve always found great friends in climbers. They’re a friendly bunch and welcome new people into the fold easily despite language barriers or cultural differences. The climbing halls with these fantastic people have always given me a home away from home. Climbing is also a great way to travel. I haven’t done this yet but I really hope I get a chance to. I’m already part of the Couch Surfing community and there happens to be a ton of climbers on there as well (not really surprised to be honest). How awesome is that? Come November, I’m planning to head over to Europe to visit J and friends and we are planning to travel through France on a mini climbing trip. The plan is to go through Fontainebleau (premier bouldering spot for you nonclimbers out there ), check out the countryside, head down to check out Marseilles and spend the remainder of our time near Avignon, where J’s sister has settled. There, we undoubtedly go on a number of climbing expeditions where I will be the super newb and play with the fluffy puppy whilst nursing my injuries. And last but not least, you’re always surrounded by nature if you go climbing outdoors. Even though I’ve only gone once, I can’t wait to go again. It’s a completely different experience than climbing indoors and might I say, much better. Not only are you not inhaling chalk particles and stinky BO from your fellow climbers’ feet (although it is generally understood and ignored since we all have stinky feet) but drinking in clean air, the rock is real. I know, I know; obvious right? But it’s an interesting experience of poking around to find that good hold that I would like to do over (and over) again.

Even as I remain gimped for the next month and a half, all I can think about is getting out there to enjoy the great weather and outdoors. Although I will be limited to short trips for the time being, my at least month long climbing trip is never far from my mind. Everything that I’ve been looking at the purchase for my outdoor excursions has this trip (and hopefully many others) in mind. I don’t think I’ve done the best job to explain why I want to do this trip or why it’s a great idea, so I encourage you to try climbing whether it be indoors/outdoors and then go for a trip to the mountains, put the two together in your mind. Voila! Magic

Bucketme

Perhaps it’s that age when I realize that there are still many things I want to do and accomplish. Perhaps it is driven by the fact that I’ve been spending the past week getting excited for a yet-to-be-determined camping and/or climbing trip from my office chair in my cubicle. Regardless of the reasons, I figured that creating some sort of bucket list was in order. Sure I could’ve kept this private and initially I was, but I think that my goals are a good indication of who I am now, who I aspire to become or at least particular steps towards whatever ‘be’ is and perhaps, give you to reason to pause and think about what you want to accomplish in your life. I noticed that the initial 7 things I’ve listed are more or less unrelated to any sort of career aspirations; it’s not that I don’t have any, but the past few years of my life had been devoted to just that. I think that this list represents my current mini tug-a-war on the particular lifestyle I want to live.

I hope to keep adding to this list and crossing out things as they go. Small explanations of why I want to accomplish X goal will be interspersed between my usual philosophical rantings (or just rantings). This will be an interesting learning experience no?

• adopt a child
• own a Leonberger and/or a Westie
• take advantage of the working holiday/youth mobility agreements that Canada has with 19 countries (considering New Zealand/Germany)

Update (July 8/2011): So I’ve decide to add a subcategory to my bucket list because there seems to be a lot of ‘outdoor adventure’ related things I want to accomplish and I think it would be worth distinguishing them from the rest of my aspirations. I think most of these aren’t as ‘lofty’ as my other goals…maybe lofty isn’t the best word.

• live in a treehouse (Costa Rica)
• go at least once for at least an one month climbing/camping trip
• return to Granada, Spain and climb that waterfall
• learn how to snowboard
• sky dive
• volunteer with Comunidad Inti Wara Yassi for a month (at least); check out the volunteer website and the Outside Magazine article on it (awesomeeeee! just don’t tell my family )
• hike up to Lake O’Hara and then to Abbot’s Pass/Hut
• bike the (paved) trail between Banff and Canmore
• go on a (short) backpacking trip before the 2011 season is over

Marriage – Bliss to Hate

This is around the season where wedding planning is in full swing for those planning to tie the knot in the spring or summer. Of course, I am (thankfully) not part of this process and won’t be for quite a while. However, after watching a documentary on CBC, listening to my mother’s ‘concerns’ (I call them rants) about a Christian/Non-Christian marital union and watching a number of films which depict infidelity and dirty divorce spats, marriage is not too far from my mind. Last night, I also read an article about a couple who engaged in an experiment scanning the differences between those in long-term, committed relationships/marriages vs. those newly in love. What struck me wasn’t the results of this experiment,but the fact that they had the hardest time finding people who were married for a long time. When my own parents divorced, the divorce rate was around 50%. According to a CBC article, 4 in 10 first marriages will end in divorce. I think the thing that I’m most curious about is how do you go from loving one another and willing to do anything for that other person to hating them. Is it the small things that you previously dismissed that aggravate you? Lack of communication? The wearing off ‘love blindness’? Also, is marriage taken less seriously as before? It no longer seems like marriage is seen as a life commitment, but rather something to engage in until things don’t work out. I suppose one could also question the motive behind marriage. Undoubtedly, love and affection is part if not the major part of deciding to get married, but for women, there’s that blasted biological clock that keeps ticking away. Let us not forget the social pressure of all your other friends getting married when you get to you’re late twenties. Anyways, I’m not against divorce; both my mother and father are happier now that they are divorced. However, is the ease of getting divorce just an easy out? A number of times, you hear about celebrities getting divorced because of ‘irreconcilable differences’.  What the hell does that even mean? Does it imply that for some, there was a lack of planning and communication before marriage to understand the different nuances of your partner and that you found them out later on? I suppose such a post could be considered as pessimistic or even inappropriate on Valentine’s Day, but it’s food for thought.

Feelin’ Low

Every since I’ve come back to Canada, everyday seems like a battle, a rollar coaster of ups and downs and most of all, uncertainty. This uncertainty has bled into every part of my life: my relationship with my family in terms of dependence and whether or not I’ll be able to get a job; my relationship with the mf because I don’t know where I’ll end up and how long I’ll be there, never mind the already existing long distance factor; my relationship with God, because I feel like I’m in the middle of that lake right now without any shore in sight. God, I thought you told me to go this direction. Was this dramatic shift in my life too late? Ever since I failed to get the intern policy position, one my worst fears in life was realized: that I would become an educated but jobless and worthless bum. I feel the strength just leaving my body like I can’t even will myself to hold it up any longer. I just want to curl up and go to sleep. I feel terrible because I weigh my doubts and fears on those who love me most. I burden my family because I’m an adult yet can’t get a job. I left him behind in Belgium for what seems like nothing now. Sometimes I’m alright. Sometimes, like right now, I feel terrible. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in such a short period of time. I’ve always prided myself in being strong but like I said, that strength is seeping away. I know some among you would tell me this is the time to really rely on God and to lose self control. I know that some would tell me look past the current circumstances and continue striving towards the goal that God has set out for me. The past year and a half have been emotionally draining on me. As much as I remember the good times, the older emotions without memories come back to haunt me and in a joint effort, bog me down. I thought that a decent next step would come out of this. I’m not asking why; I just want out. How can you charge me with this..this purpose without equipping me with the means? How can you burden my heart, though it is a burden I gladly take, and yet render me unable to alleviate it? What is so fucking bad of really wanting to go out and do something to make things better for those worse off than me? What in the fucking hell is it? As I read instructions or advice on how to write my statement of interest for grad school, I’ve been told to keep away from the cliches of pursuing social justice or whatever…but what if this is really what I want to do? How can there be a demand for a unique personal story when there are so many similarities among those who compete for these programs? Do you want me to tell you how I climbed a cliff in Spain? Do you want me to tell you I had a revelation in Hong Kong? Oh no wait, I can’t. No religion allowed in this statements. Yet that last one is key as is my purpose. I feel like my voice is being muted. My opening line for my current statement of purpose to my top choice is ‘My name is Bonnie and I am privileged’. Most people who have looked at my statement have told me it comes off negatively or too strong, that it may appear to be pretentious. Yet, I am privileged. That’s one of the greatest things I’ve realized. Yes I know, I just spent the last few hundred words whining/bitching/complaining, being pissed at God and myself, being disappointed and frustrated. Yet I’m still blessed. So why can’t I put this? Why in the hell must I spin my life in a certain way? I really just want to be in Belgium curled up by him and know everything’s ok, but I can’t. We are separated by an ocean and half a continent and it’s my fault. It’s my fault for putting us in this situation of uncertainty and potential unhappiness. How can you love a fool, a useless person like me?