On my way to see the mf last night, I realized that in exactly a month, I would be flying back to Canada. Although I have been looking forward to returning home the entire time I’ve been in Europe, I realize that it will be a bittersweet departure yet again. One of my best friends told me that no matter how I told myself that I dated someone abroad just for companionship or perhaps, for less-than-noble reasons, that ultimately I couldn’t avoid emotional investment. She’s right; I suppose I’ve been more or less involved with someone up to the time I leave for somewhere else and each time, I feel a deep sense of despair. It’s like someone is digging their claws on the surface of my heart and gouging out bits of flesh. (Apologies if that was graphic; I’m a visual person and overly metaphorical…this is a product of such a condition). I’m in that place …yet again. This time, it may be hitting harder than before. Arguably, I’m involved in a full blown relationship. We’ve gotten to the point of near-absolute comfort in each other’s presence. This blog is usually reserved for philosophical-ish ponders but I have to capture this moment; I think it characterizes our relationship..somehow: last night around 2:30 in the morning, I woke up thirsty. The mf was still awake because his sleeping clock runs a couple hours later than mine. I was craving something; no, not water, but rather the chocolate soy milk I knew he had in his fridge. After the initial and required teasing, he went downstairs and returned with two juice box sized cartoons of the desired drink. So there we were, sitting in bed, both drinking our choco soy milk out of juice box cartoons…it was like a commercial. Anyways..
In my last post, I briefly mentioned living the snippets of life that came along. I suppose it isn’t so much on whether this is the right or wrong way to live, but rather accept the fact that this is how I live. It does render most love songs that makes me wallow in poopiness somewhat inapplicable though. Yet I wonder, if I am given an opportunity to be in one place ‘long enough’ (and of course, this measure of time is subjective), would I be able to accept and live in the possibility that I could engage myself in a relationship that has ‘future implications’? Despite the fact that I love the person I’m with right now, I would admit that he’s not someone I would’ve pictured myself being with. Before all the ‘love is irrational’ etc. thoughts spring to your mind, let me say now that I agree with you; however, I question whether I would’ve even considered starting a relationship with him if I had been in a situation where I wouldn’t be leaving in a x amount of time and leaving to another continent to boot. When I hit the moment of realization that my departure is imminent and the chances of me seeing him is extremely small, a series of wild and often, unrealistic ideas run through my head. However, when I project past my immediate feelings and desire to extend my relationship across geographical constrains, I’m not sure if I should. Let me explain. Every time I’ve gone abroad, even this Europe trip that I nearly didn’t go on, one of the things that excites me the most is the people I know I’ll meet. Being single makes it easier I think. Every person I’ve dated has been amazing in their own right. So in a selfish point of view, if I know that my life is in flux and that I don’t know where I’m going to be even in a year’s time, do I want to stop closing the door on meeting these people? So interestingly, do I actually want to be in a stable relationship? Have I been conditioned to accept the fact that this is highly unlikely so I’ve decided to pursue my romantic life as such?