Feelin’ Low

Every since I’ve come back to Canada, everyday seems like a battle, a rollar coaster of ups and downs and most of all, uncertainty. This uncertainty has bled into every part of my life: my relationship with my family in terms of dependence and whether or not I’ll be able to get a job; my relationship with the mf because I don’t know where I’ll end up and how long I’ll be there, never mind the already existing long distance factor; my relationship with God, because I feel like I’m in the middle of that lake right now without any shore in sight. God, I thought you told me to go this direction. Was this dramatic shift in my life too late? Ever since I failed to get the intern policy position, one my worst fears in life was realized: that I would become an educated but jobless and worthless bum. I feel the strength just leaving my body like I can’t even will myself to hold it up any longer. I just want to curl up and go to sleep. I feel terrible because I weigh my doubts and fears on those who love me most. I burden my family because I’m an adult yet can’t get a job. I left him behind in Belgium for what seems like nothing now. Sometimes I’m alright. Sometimes, like right now, I feel terrible. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in such a short period of time. I’ve always prided myself in being strong but like I said, that strength is seeping away. I know some among you would tell me this is the time to really rely on God and to lose self control. I know that some would tell me look past the current circumstances and continue striving towards the goal that God has set out for me. The past year and a half have been emotionally draining on me. As much as I remember the good times, the older emotions without memories come back to haunt me and in a joint effort, bog me down. I thought that a decent next step would come out of this. I’m not asking why; I just want out. How can you charge me with this..this purpose without equipping me with the means? How can you burden my heart, though it is a burden I gladly take, and yet render me unable to alleviate it? What is so fucking bad of really wanting to go out and do something to make things better for those worse off than me? What in the fucking hell is it? As I read instructions or advice on how to write my statement of interest for grad school, I’ve been told to keep away from the cliches of pursuing social justice or whatever…but what if this is really what I want to do? How can there be a demand for a unique personal story when there are so many similarities among those who compete for these programs? Do you want me to tell you how I climbed a cliff in Spain? Do you want me to tell you I had a revelation in Hong Kong? Oh no wait, I can’t. No religion allowed in this statements. Yet that last one is key as is my purpose. I feel like my voice is being muted. My opening line for my current statement of purpose to my top choice is ‘My name is Bonnie and I am privileged’. Most people who have looked at my statement have told me it comes off negatively or too strong, that it may appear to be pretentious. Yet, I am privileged. That’s one of the greatest things I’ve realized. Yes I know, I just spent the last few hundred words whining/bitching/complaining, being pissed at God and myself, being disappointed and frustrated. Yet I’m still blessed. So why can’t I put this? Why in the hell must I spin my life in a certain way? I really just want to be in Belgium curled up by him and know everything’s ok, but I can’t. We are separated by an ocean and half a continent and it’s my fault. It’s my fault for putting us in this situation of uncertainty and potential unhappiness. How can you love a fool, a useless person like me?