There have only been two points in my life when I experience pure and utter contentment. The first was during my baptism, right at the moment when I was dunked in the water and the second was when I had a ‘forehead to forehead’ moment with W. They’re both significant points in my life as the first was real indication of rebirth or change for my life (from poopy emo to the person you know now) and latter showed me what I was really looking for in a person, though not so much on the attributes of the person I wanted (even though W is an awesome person) but the feeling I wanted to capture with that ‘other’ person. I dare say I’ve failed (thus far) in the latter; in the past 10 months, I really tried to make that moment happen between J and I…perhaps I tried too hard. I guess I had a lot to prove to myself, that I would be capable of keeping a relationship longer than a mere month (or even less). But no matter how hard I tried, how much I gave up on certain, fundamental things of myself, that moment didn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, we had moments were I knew I was happy but utter contentment? No, I’m sorry to say it didn’t exist. I don’t regret our relationship; I’ve certainly learnt a lot about myself and what I would want in my other.
What will make me content then? If the two moments are indicative of anything, it’s finding peace with who I am (through God) and finding that right other. The journey toward who I am is going to remain as a journey for the rest of my life, but I like to think I’ve figured out the central things that make me spin and after being in a relationship with someone whose fundamentals differ from my own, I know that I need someone who matches me on these things but is willing to find a middle road on the things that make us different and unique. I know as a Christian, I should say that my other should be someone that is a man of God too, but that’s not enough I guess. Rather, I want someone that is genuinely interested on making a difference in the lives of others for the pure sake of just helping others whether he be Christian or not, that he does it not because it is a mandate in his religion or obligation, but because something deep inside pulls him towards bettering the lives of his fellow man. Maybe this sounds idealistic, but I would like to think such people exist. It may also sound simplistic simply because we all for one, have some sort of feeling of altruism and we all would like to think that we’re that kind of person. We’re not. I’m not passing judgement on anyone and I’m not even saying that I am, but I would like to think I’m building myself towards achieving that. I would like someone to be able to push me towards this goal and acting on it. To keep me open minded and humble, to keep learning. I know this blog entry is pretty dry and maybe not as introspective as some of my other ones, but I still respect J and also don’t feel like exposing all that went down with our relationship since this blog post stems from that.
After this last chapter, will I settle for anything less than contentment? Will you?