That Girl

All my life, I think I’ve always strove to be different than ‘that girl’. There are even times that I over compensate and tap into my ‘manly self’ a bit too much (yes, I grudgingly admit it). Yet here I am, sitting in my cubicle, baffled by the current situation I find myself in. It’s blown out of proportion, it has my head spinning and spilling to friends for advice and insight into the male brain. As arrogant as this may sound, it’s very rare that I find myself confused in these situations or perhaps even more arrogantly…to be rejected at any degree. I come off as an independent and confident person and for the most part I am. I am more comfortable and confident when I am pushing hard at whatever activity I happen to be engaged in (eg. climbing) than rocking out a form-fitting sheath dress (if anything, I get simultaneously confident and self-conscious of my butt hanging out). Despite my inclination to be wearing dri-fit shirts and climbing pants, to hang out with the boys and often enough, sneer at the ‘girly habits’ of my peers (eg. make up), I find myself in the exact same emotional place my friends, girly or not, find themselves in. I am not saying that women are more inclined to over analyzing things though it may appear to be the case; I think women are generally more open to others in the exploration of the emotional side of themselves. I can understand how those who usually do not engage in this sort of energy sapping mind play draw away from it. I would like to think that I usually do the same and pull away; I often try to be driven by logic rather than emotion because I understand it much better and it is easier to handle something that’s more concrete and not so dependent on the whims of others. I have had thoughts of being bold and asking where I stood and if it wasn’t anything more than friends, that would be fine. It may sting but I would just compartmentalize and then move on. What’s next? It’s like business. Yet as tempting as this course of action, I’ve held off. Perhaps it’s time I revel in why I feel insecure about myself. I don’t do it enough because these insecurities are often shoved aside for productivity; however, despite how amicable the break up between J and I was, it has brought to surface my insecurities. It seems like in every other facet of my life, I have little problem ‘giving it up to God’. Yes, I was desperate and worried that I would remain a jobless hobo after coming back from Europe, but under all that, I knew God had something worked out for me; all I had to do was keep driving and making sure I seized the opportunities that arose (after all, I can’t be offered a job without applying for it :P). Unfortunately for me, this sort of logic doesn’t apply to relationships and the like. I know why our relationship ended and I’m not really hung up about it, but what has come out of it is insecurity and I loathe it. I wonder what makes it worth it for someone to love someone else unconditionally and decide to build a life around that relationship. Even though women (and probably men, though it would probably kill them to admit it :P) remain completely baffled by the different areas of relationships, there has to be something that clicks or else the human race would’ve ceased to exist after the first generation. What baffles us I think is that because people are so different, especially in the way they approach things emotionally, that ‘something’ is different and cannot be necessarily applied to all situations. There is no one-fits-all formula. Well, that makes it hard for those of us who like formulas and things to make sense no?

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