Who do you want to be?

When we’re younger, we are often asked ‘what do you want to be when you’re grown up’? Well, I’m technically a ‘grown up’ but I have yet to come up with satisfying answer to this question. It used to be as simple as saying: a fire fighter, a teacher, an astronaut, etc. but it really isn’t..or is it? Our dreams are often complicated, if not completely snuffed out, by logic. There are many things outside of ‘work’ that we enjoy and love yet how often do we really get to do what we love as our job? Would we love it as much? Often our hobbies outside of the work place is a sort of escape from the ‘real world’. A good friend and ex of mine does just that though and he wouldn’t have it any other way. There have been times in this blog that I have said how much I wanted to go out and live out in the bush, leave behind the cubicle life I’ve seemingly carved out for myself. I still believe that the whole cubicle living isn’t my sort of life and as a matter of a fact, will be coming to an end in a couple of months. This is why this question of who I want to be and what I want my life to look like has come out. You can say I’m at a bit of an impasse here. I am tired of being envious of people who do what they love for their work; its not dragging their sorry asses to work every day and working from 9-5, but they’re doing something they believe in so even if they are met with challenges, their passion and love for what they do will carry them over.
This is where I am: the need to financial support myself, the need to really do something to make a positive impact on this world and for others and to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. Without being able to fulfill all three things in my life, I think I would be unhappy to an extent. Sure, you can say they’re just three things, three very vague concepts. However these three concepts have a great deal of depth and because of their vagueness, lack any real answer without some soul searching. Not to mention, as we grow and experience ‘life’, these things change. I am/have considered taking some time off just to frolic off in the woods somewhere, maybe Australia or New Zealand, but I don’t know if that would really provide me with the clarity that I seek and instead, just distract me from what I really need to do and that is to answer what the above three things are to me or perhaps more importantly, how to have all three things work for me at the same time.
At this moment, to live simply would to travel somewhere and climb, work odd jobs that make enough to support my addiction. I mean, I want to live damn it! I feel like that my life has been driven by career and purpose and well fuck, I want a break just to live life for the moment and rebel. As amazing as my abroad adventures have been thus far, its all been career driven. But…would I be really content doing just that? With no drive and purpose to what I was doing? I don’t know..maybe the initial plunge would be exhilarating but I have a terrible need for purpose.  But a huge part of me admires the people who just drop all their shit and hit the road to enjoy the outdoors and well, I want a piece of that pie. However, if I go that route, even for a bit, will that impede the drive towards my ‘purpose’?
Then in contrast, here I am: sitting in a comfy (albeit soon to be a short lived) public sector job that provides financial security (temporarily but for argument’s sake, we’ll just pretend that its a bit more permanent :P) in my field and yet, all I feel is my soul leaving my body, leaving nothing but a drying husk of a person behind reading a fucking long report on a high speed rail. I realize that this experience will contribute towards to my ‘purpose’ but there’s no ‘life’ here. I live for the time away from the office; what kind of living is that? I honestly spend an exorbitant amount of time  perusing climbing and outdoor websites..really, that’s where my soul longs to be. There’s nothing more amazing than sitting on a mountain or cliff top and breathing in the fresh air and landscape. Everything makes sense because it’s just you and the living space. I feel like the passion I once exhibited concerning politics and such has completely died since I started here which is kind of ironic since I’m working in a political bureaucracy.

What is it then, to really ‘live’?

To fulfill your God given purpose?


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