Turn it off

Since about..November 2011, I have been on a boy sabbatical or as I fondly call it, ‘boy free period’ (BFP). Since the establishment of that, I have learnt so much about myself and who I am as a person; the time has also given me an opportunity to once again grow closer to God from whom I had been hiding from due to my pass transgressions. However, during this time, I had a good friend that I spent a lot of time with and he was a guy. Despite the fact that I/we had consistently reiterated the platonic nature of our relationship, I suppose emotions cannot be controlled as such. Unfortunately, our friendship came to an end because he wanted more than what I could offer him. Since the end of that, it seems like the floodgates have opened and out came interest. As much as I may desire being in a loving relationship with someone, establishing something long-term and not being able to (physically) run away from it later on would be a completely new experience for me, one that I don’t feel adequately prepared for. It’s a paradoxical to think this way I suppose but that’s how I feel. I also don’t aspire to have a casual relationship because that’s not my thing. With this new potential territory comes many things to consider including the social consequences if a hypothetical relationship goes wrong. I am currently permanently employed in a position and work place that I really enjoy and do not plan to leave this city for at least another year and half. I cannot just run away. I fear the potential consequences that could arise in a long-term relationship. Just thinking about it makes me anxious, like a caged animal. I don’t feel like I’ve established what I’ve needed to establish in myself yet.

How do I turn ‘it’ off? This may come off as arrogance but for some, the ability to attract the opposite sex is something desirable and a skill to be cultivated; for me, it is a struggle to turn off that ability. I don’t believe myself to incredibly physically attractive or attractive in general; I don’t believe I’m ugly or anything, but don’t find much that would especially entice the opposite sex. Yet..here we are.


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