(Originally written May 31, 2012)
Yes, reader. This is a religious focused entry. Another one?! you say. Could I (writer) be turning into a religious fanatic? Eh depends on what your definition is. But I thought this would be a very important entry to share with you, religious or not. If you could please keep an open mind, maybe some part of this entry may resound with you some way, somehow.
Let me provide you with a bit a context: I had met someone who I had the previously noted inexplicable ‘click’ with and shared the same faith with me. However, I had just emerged out of my BFP and easing into not-really-interested-in-dating-but-not-completely-closed-off-about-it phase of my life. As a result, I approached this fellow with some caution (although inside I was kind of excited and very intrigued). This person was in fact, part of the inspiration used to write my last post. Anyways, things seemed to fall in place and voila! But something was off..so as quickly things came together in a positive light, they started to unravel at an even faster pace. During a trip to the US with my mum, I kept praying about the situation. I was so torn that things weren’t going well and that he had pulled away. When I returned, I spoke to a few close friends and ultimately came to a conclusion that I hadn’t wanted to come to..yet when it hit, I knew it was the right position to hold and that I was with peace with it. So when this fellow and I met to discuss our relationship, I knew where I stood and ultimately, things ended between us.
It is the aftermath that I want to speak to you about today, reader. There’s this parable (story) in the Bible that paints the following picture: Jesus and a few of his disciples are on a boat in the middle of a massive lake, so big that where they were, they couldn’t see any land. A fierce storm came in and the disciples were scared; these disciples had been very experienced fishermen before joining Jesus on his journey so if they were frightened, clearly the storm was a pretty epic one. One of the disciples sees Jesus sleeping during this storm, completely relaxed and seemingly oblivious to everything that is going on. He shakes Jesus awake and wonders why he is not frightened/panicking/freaking out. He then says, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’. Then he raised his hands and the storm calmed down.
So what does all this have to do with my little man drama? In the Christian faith, there is a concept of a ‘perfect peace’ in storm that is (partially) derived from this parable. Simply put, when the seas of your life aren’t going so well, you will find peace and calm inside because you have faith that Jesus will calm the storm and protect you. Sounds fro fro right? Not so much. It’s difficult to explain but it’s a feeling of when you know that you’re going in the correct direction set out by God in a situation that isn’t so great. Despite the difficulty of the situation and perhaps the difficulty of the position you have adopted in response to the situation, you are at peace because of this faith that this is the right way to go and that you’re not alone. Jesus in this picture is arguably not as physically solid as Jesus sleeping in a boat beside you, but in the Christian faith, we believe that within us, we have something called the Holy Spirit, an extension/continual representation/one in the same as God and Jesus.
I am not saying that just because you achieve this ‘perfect peace’ that things get easier right away. No, not at all. In fact, I still marvel over the fact that this peace coexists equally with my existing heart ache. I am hurting immensely. It is like having your heart squeezed painfully and knowing that there isn’t much you can do about it but abide your time and process through all the emotions and thoughts associated with the origin of this pain. Yet as we walked back to my apartment after our extensive discussion, I could feel that peace settling in. We hadn’t attacked each other, we were open to answering each other’s questions and responding to each other’s comments and I no longer had any questions. I knew that neither of us were perfect and that each of us had our own baggage to deal with, different pursuits and different ways of dealing with them. Even in the final moments when he began to doubt his course of action, I knew that inside it was the right thing to do because he had prayed about it and came to that conclusion; if it was in God’s plan for us to be together, that nothing would stop it because it was His plan. Even though I was screaming and crying out inside, I found that perfect peace.