I’m currently on my way home from Calgary after an interesting and I suppose fulfilling Christmas holiday season with my family and friends. Something I had not expected/sought to pursue occurred over these holidays. I had brought my climbing gear down with me since I was going to be in Calgary for around 10 days aka too many days without climbing or any other activity (the climbing gear was accompanied by ice skates, a swim suit and goggles). As I may have mentioned before, the climbing community is generally a laid back group of people who enjoy crushing rock/plastic and meeting new people, especially if the other person/people is working on the same project as they are. This is especially true with boulders (for the nonclimbers, this is for people who climb short problems that range between 10 to 15 feet in height without ropes). So during my first session at the gym I usually visit when in Calgary, this guy and I started hanging out. Before I left, I asked for his number so that I would have someone to potentially climb with during this holiday as the climbers from Calgary I had climbed with before were all back home (aka outside of Calgary) to see their families for the holidays. I did not ask for any other reason other than the fact that I wanted a climbing buddy. Of course, the fact that he was a relatively attractive fellow did not escape me. After some frequent texting during my stay in which he made it clear that he was indeed attracted/interested in me, and after another climbing session with one another, he asked me to go for drinks…at his place. In adherence to a gut feeling/intuition and nonexistent tack, I bluntly told him that in no way was he going to get lucky with me and if he was looking for that, that he had the wrong girl. Well, I haven’t heard from him since.
Please note that most of the guys I have met, regardless of expressed interest, climber/not, do not have such intentions or at least, so immediately/for that reason alone. But the purpose of this post is not to discuss the virility of the men I have met or whatever, but what my friend calls ‘the vibe’. What is the vibe? It’s when you are inexplicitly/explicitly indicating your availability to the opposite/same sex (depending on which team you bat for). Mine had been off for quite a while with the BFP and then aftermath with D; somehow, without my knowledge or conscious attempt to do so, the vibe came back on. Oh, I noticed when the switch was flipped to ‘on’. Not only did it seem that guys notice me more, I also noticed them more. However, in consideration of the relatively new leaf I have turned over in the world of dating, the projection of this vibe poses a number of concerns.
A lot of people that I meet are outside of the faith community (this is not saying that I do not hang out with people of the same faith; I do quite a bit). This is mainly due to the nature of my interests, especially with being outdoorsy..ish. I’m not saying that there’s no overlap between those who have a relationship with God and with those who embrace the outdoors but the overlap isn’t very big or at least, not with those I met thus far. As much as I believe in and pursue the ideal of being with someone that shares the same faith as I do, old habits unfortunately die hard. It really is more of a slow death with the occasional breathe of life. Knowing that this area of my life is where the Devil has his claws in the most makes my foray into the nonplatonic field tentative best. I don’t think that the vibe should be shut down but to monitor and to an extent, control the outcomes that the vibe contributes towards is a challenging task. It’s a task that I alone, by my own strength, will fail at achieving. Thankfully God’s strength knows no bounds. My past tells me that the short-term gratitude of being with someone on sexual terms falls woefully short of the long-term implications I will face afterwards. During those times, I drew further away from God, to silence the voices that told me I was pursuing the wrong path because I knew they were right, and to bury the guilt that crushed my soul. I also had a pregnancy scare. All these experiences have taught me of what will await me if I pursue a particular path but sometimes, the Devil’s voice in my head screams and shouts in the attempt to overwhelm what I know to be true.
I’m not sure how to navigate this next segment in my life. I know that I have the tools to guide me and I know the particular guidelines I should adhere by. The biggest thing that keeps me in check though is not the lessons learnt from the past but the following question: If Jesus injustly suffered and died so that I could be cleansed of my sins, is the thing that tempts me worth His death?
I will always struggle with this but I hope that with the various things that keep me in check, I will be better prepared to deal with it. I know that I’m not alone. I am imperfect. I know that there are many who may hold different viewpoints with regards to this topic. I also know a lot of people, Christians or not, do not go out to meet people just to see if they’ll sleep with them. I’m also not trying to enact judgement on those who may have the different views on this particular subject; I just know that this is the truth for me.