It’s been nearly nine months since M and I broke up. We had break up 2.0 near the end of March which was very difficult too. Needless to say, time hasn’t healed everything though I wish it did. Even though I’m seeing someone new, I can handle it because it’s for once, nothing very serious and I don’t see it going anywhere. Perhaps it’s easier that way because I still haven’t completely picked up the pieces from my last relationship and really do not have the capacity to try and be that close to someone yet.
My bestie sent me this article by Relevant Magazine about the difficulties/myths of interfaith marriages; in the case of this article, it was between a Christian and Muslim. The article was written by the child of these two people who are described to be great parents and truly in love with one another. But the difficulties that arise are very real and they were things that I and undoubtedly, M, thought about during our relationship which contributed towards our end. The article states and as mentioned in my previous entry, I’m not here to say that dating or even marrying a non-Christian is ‘bad’. That just seems too simple to label it as such but rather, that committing to someone who does’t share that same base as you makes a relationship even harder (because they’re obviously not hard enough). It was hard reading that article; I most definitely cried a bit because my bestie also wrote that she was proud of me for sticking to my guns, even though it cost a lot. It did. It cost so much. I’m still hurting from it. I think about the little ninja children we would’ve had: small in physical stature but probably athletic and smart, bouncing off the walls and doing crazy things. M would make a great Dad and I think between the two of us, would have made a pretty balanced set of parents. M would be there to help them with the math/technical side of things but has this amazing creative side that would encourage them to cultivate creativity and artistry. I would be the one to help them with their language arts and social studies, get them in touch with the outdoors and the community. They would have great grandparents and relatives, uncles and aunts to guide them. But then, for how long? My greatest fear was that we would eventually implode as we did in our dating relationship and get divorced but our kids would be in the mix. As a divorcee child, I know first hand the incredible impact this has on children even if the divorce is relatively amicable. How much harder would it be not to be with the man I still loved and the man that was the father of my children? To deal with the ‘logistics’ of things when going through such emotional turmoil? There’s a couple on Grey’s Anatomy that basically shared the same dynamic as M and I. And though in some crazy TV drama way they end up together married, the show does draw out the difficult discussions that come up, those crazy fights that just can’t be patched up by ‘I love you’s or shoving it under the rug. M and I talked about the exposure to faith he would want for his children and though he had initially said that he was fine with them going to church and what not, he changed his mind and said he wanted them to have minimal exposure. I, for one, want them to be fully exposed because the love of my God is amazing. Really, one of those moments of: but think of the children!
I read another article by Elite Daily about how love isn’t necessarily enough to make a relationship work. M and I are a testament to that. A sad but true testament. Love is truly one of the most beautiful things that exist and real love is so difficult to find. To just have things mesh together, to not speak a word to one another and have that mutual love and respect pour forth. I still think about M on a daily basis and we haven’t spoken to each other since break up 2.0. I actually play ultimate frisbee because of him and somehow, our teams haven’t lined up to play in the same tier OR same field at the same time which is bizarre but I would say the work of God because I don’t think I could handle seeing this gold haired guy run like crazy and get crazy vertical to catch a disc. Hot lol.
One thing that struck me in the Relevant article was that the author mentions the small grain of hope her mother holds onto that her father will one day become a Christian, a grain of hope that has been prayed for for over three decades. I know that when I was with M, I always felt that small seed of overwhelming sadness to know that M didn’t know God and that our foundations were different. No matter how much we loved each other, we couldn’t ignore that fact. For him, I think that it was pretty difficult to know that he wasn’t enough for me as he was, as awesome and so fantastically good to me and so in tune with me. Could I really hold out for three decades? Hoping? Could he hold out for three decades knowing that his wife wanted a massive change in his life? One that he couldn’t really understand the need for?
I don’t really have answers for those who may find themselves in the same situation as me. Maybe you guys will be the one in the million; I really hope so. But I guess this is my personal experience and I hope it will give you food for thought. Truly, my heart still breaks. I think that a part of me is still angry that it didn’t work out and part of that anger, fair or otherwise, is directed at God. After all, isn’t He the Almighty that can make anything happen? But then my calm side just kills that lol. For us who love/want to be loved, would we want to be loved because the other person was ‘constructed’ to do so? That they do it out of obligation of sorts rather than free will? How unsatisfying would that love be? As hard as it may be for God and sometimes for us, we were all given that gift of free choice. Still, my heart aches. Slowly, I move forward but I think a piece of me will always love M and that’s okay as long as I’m moving forward.
Here’s to hoping 🙂