For those of you who have been reading entries from this blog for the past couple of years, I’ve been working through the relationship I had with a guy who I fondly call on here, M, and the aftermath that followed the closure of that relationship. I imagine the path I took is both unique and familiar to others and I hope that my musings have helped some or at the least, instigated some thought. This is my next and perhaps, the final chapter of this particular part in my life.
I attended the winter retreat my church held at the beginning of this month. I’m not usually huge into big church gatherings for some odd reason; I find myself quite socially awkward which in itself is a bit odd because I generally thrive in situations where I get to meet new people. Pretty much any other social gathering I find interesting…but anyways, here we are. I was waffling on attending this conference but I had actually told a friend about it who then told me a few days later that he had gone ahead and registered for it…before I had. So I pretty much couldn’t bail; that would be wrong 😉 the conference was in a camp that was about a 2.5 hour drive outside of Edmonton. It was stunning. We got so lucky on the Saturday when we had continuously falling snow and it was a winter wonderland there. Needless to say, I got more and more antsy as we sat inside…I just wanted to go frolic outside damn it! Well I sure did. I went out for a run and frolicked in the snow like a goofball. It was spectacular. However, this wasn’t the best part of the conference. I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t pick up what the speaker is putting down or it’s not revolutionary for me. Perhaps this because I’m only half listening or I’m snotty and think I know it all. But this time around, God grabbed me in a tight hold and looked directly into the eyes of my soul and told me that it was time to let go and be free.
I knew exactly what He meant. Even though I had come to realize late last year that I didn’t necessarily carry the sole responsibility for the ending of the relationship between M and I, the weight of our relationship, whether it be good and bad memories, the desire to be with him again in the distant future or just reminders of him period, still weighed in my life. God granted me an image of me wiggling out of and dropping a running backpack and springing free. This spoke to me because I often run commute and carry a small red pack with me with all my clothes and such. It’s made for running with and is great but I still prefer to run without a pack; there’s a certain feeling of freedom associated with running without one. There’s also a feeling of not having a sweaty back either…but I digress. This backpack in this image wasn’t necessarily heavy but it was burden. God was like you’re moving forward which is great, but you could be moving forward faster and stronger towards the things I have for your present and future if you let go of this burden; actually, I need you to let go of this stuff so that you can do what I need you to do at your fastest and strongest.
Often times, my faith is associated with rules and conforming one’s life to those set of rules and therefore relinquishing freedom. In this case though, the opposite has occurred. Even beyond the weight of relationship-ending aftermath, I think back now to the relationship between M and I and have come to the conclusion that I wasn’t as free as I thought I was. No there was no bondage or whatever but rather knowing that I was with someone who didn’t share my faith and had no interest in sharing said faith was a source of anxiety. It was a tight clenching of the heart whenever it came to mind, whether it be in my own mind, when we talked about a variety of issues or when it came to what family could look like for us. It was also a thought that I wasn’t being true to the most foundational part of myself that created some anxiety. Even if we talked about topics around faith and he would do his best to understand, M and I were from different puzzles. I know that sometimes I censured myself because I didn’t want to overwhelm his comfort zone with ‘religious talk’.
I know that this post is not necessarily insightful but I thought that it was important for me to post what I imagine to be the final part of this chapter in my life. When we sing songs of the freedom God brings us, it has a bit of a different meaning for me now. The relationships we have with people or God, should not be ones that constrain us but ones that free us and gives us wings to go faster and stronger. In his own way, M did but we were still carrying weights associated with our relationship. I hope that he is free now as well.
It’s time to fly.